All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
