Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
