i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
