i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
