I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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