Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
