Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
