ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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