Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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