Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
MIDGETS
????
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
