Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
