I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
