Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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