Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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