Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
