Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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