Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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