Soap is not a condiment
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
