Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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