Just cropdusted the office
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
