there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
