based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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