I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
