you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
