Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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