I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
