There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
