My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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