we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
