did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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