so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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