Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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