So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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