I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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