if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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