turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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