CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
