moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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