have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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