If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
