either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my being single is dangerous.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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