Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
