This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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