I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
