where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
