What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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