I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
