at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
