i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
