so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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