I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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