I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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