Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
